Episode Transcript
The theme for today is rhythm — specifically rhythm as it relates to change. Probably one of the biggest realisations I've had in the past six months is around this idea of timing when you're trying to change, and at the back of that, this idea of rhythm.
So what do I mean by that? Up until recently I was driving a bus for public transport, and it enabled me to pressure-test my work in ways that probably wouldn't be possible any other way. Because it can be a stressful job and you are switched on the whole time — so it's very easy to get caught up in that stress and whatever mood you might find yourself stuck in. I was working pretty consistently on trying to keep my mental and emotional state stable. And what I noticed was that there would be times when I was working on holding a state and getting a lot of pushback, and other times when I wasn't even doing anything and I'd feel this sense of relief. I started to get the impression that there was something more going on — a relationship between the time I applied the change and the follow-on effect of that.
What I came up with were two to three main timings.
The first is around the initial action. Just say you're stuck in a stressful state and it's consuming you. I have a very specific way to get out of that state — if you go to my website you'll be able to experience it. It's this idea around relief in 60 seconds, and I don't say that to be a gimmick. I say it because of these timings I found. The first eight seconds is crucial. Once you change your state — identifying that you're in it, moving out of it, and accessing what I call the neutral state — that normally takes about eight seconds.
Now this is where rhythm comes in, because our mind and body follow certain rhythms. Our vision doesn't even flow continuously — it moves in pulses and our brain fills in the gaps. There are circadian rhythms around sleep and wakefulness, rhythms we're not always aware of, times of day where we feel more active than others, and emotional rhythms too. It's part of the design — what's known as the default mode network, though I don't like to lean too heavily on names. Basically, when you have a set way of doing something, a pattern, the system will maintain that pattern until you tell it otherwise. Positive or negative, it doesn't matter. If you're continuously in a bad mood, your system will go: still in a bad mood, nothing's changed, keep going. How long you've been in that state determines how strongly those patterns are ingrained.
So when you change state, there's a period where the system keeps trying to implement the old pattern. It takes energy to shift the conditions — and if your mind is continuously changing, the system takes too much energy keeping up. So it gets into a groove and locks in until you tell it otherwise.
When you make a change and hold that new state, there are waves. You would have experienced this — you try to make a change, the old thoughts or feelings kick back in, and you think: oh, that didn't work, maybe it's just me. Whenever you get those first couple of kickbacks, you're not failing. You just need to give it a bit more time. That 60 seconds is really important. It's like being caught in a whirlpool — when you stop, you're still being swept along. There's resistance. Little aftershocks. But after about 60 seconds those waves start to diminish. You know you've gotten through the worst of it.
The eight seconds is probably the most critical. At 60 seconds you start to know the difference between the neutral state and the pattern trying to reassert itself.
The next timing is around 30 to 45 minutes, anywhere up to 60. This is the period where the chemical signature — the stress chemicals attached to the old pattern — is still in the system. For every pattern we carry, especially negative ones, there are stress chemicals in the body. And it takes about 30 to 60 minutes for those to clear. What I was experiencing on the bus was that I'd learned to change my state, come back to neutral, and hold it long enough that the system said: right, we've changed the pattern, we can clear those chemicals. I started writing down the times. It was almost on the dot.
You don't have to hold the state the whole time — that's not realistic. What I call tapping the gong is enough. Once you've passed that 8 seconds, and then the 60 seconds, you'll feel when you're sliding back. Just pull yourself back. Direction and intensity are the two markers you can work with to change state — again, you can access a video walking you through that at nonordinaryliving.com.
The old pattern will keep trying to reassert itself, especially if it's ingrained. So you'll need to spend a few days on this. Not consciously grinding away at it — just checking in. You'll feel it. Something will shift, the old thoughts will surface, and you just move away, reduce the intensity, sit in the neutral state again. It comes back less and less each time. If you can change state once, you can duplicate it. And if it can be duplicated, it can be trained. It's just like a muscle.
After about 3, 4 to 7 days — up to 30 days depending on the pattern — you'll start to notice behavioural shifts. Something that would normally have triggered a reaction either won't, or your reaction will have less intensity behind it. For me it was around anger. I used to have explosive anger, a lot of it tied to neurology and trauma. Nowadays I'll almost half go through the reaction, but there's no intensity, no follow-through. I can just go: yeah, nah. That's not how it works as a sudden breakthrough or an aha moment. True change is your system stabilising, calming down, coming back into a state you can work with — and from there you start making a different connection.
With practice, those expressions become more natural, more familiar — dare I say, more you.
So: 8 seconds, 60 seconds, 30 to 45 minutes up to an hour, 3 to 7 days up to 30 days, and then from there — shifts in identity. You actually start to respond to life differently.
Do you have to do everything at once? No. In fact I'd strongly suggest you don't. Just deal with whatever's in front of you right now. This is what I call developing a living practice. And resist the urge — one I know well — to go full steam ahead the moment you get a bit of relief. There's still a lag. The old ingrained pattern hasn't fully released. If you push too hard and mix new and old, your system's going to be confused. Just wait. Give it enough time. You're not missing out on anything.
And this is where we come back to rhythm — because the new pattern you introduce can very easily slide back into the old rhythm if you're not careful. What we want to do is find your own unique rhythm. It's not always slower, but it is different to what you're used to. The only way to connect with it is to spend time in the neutral state and let it emerge naturally. Play around with different rhythms, different states of awareness. Intentional play — thinking and feeling at the same time, receiving and giving at the same time. That's the goal. If you think of an elite athlete, they're not grinding — they're playing. They've found their own rhythm, and they can almost dance in the moment because they're fully present in both directions.
Rhythm is unique to all of us. If you don't think you have one, it's because you've been stuck in someone else's rhythm, or one that's been with you so long it feels like it's part of you. All you have to do is change state, hold the neutral state long enough to become aware of the space, and start to play with what the expression of that rhythm looks and feels like.
My name is Darren Bennicke. I have a mind-body training site called Non-Ordinary Living, where I teach people to change using mind-body awareness. If that interests you, come check me out. I'll see you on the other side.
